Who I used to be

Many years ago, my dad went to his class reunion.  He ran into a guy that had seen more than his share of life's hardships:  illness, addiction, financial struggles.  There was very little resemblance between the handsome young athlete pictured in the yearbook and the limping, disheveled man standing near the bar.  My dad walked over, stuck out his hand and and said "Hi, I'm Tom Lietsch".  He looked at my father, paused and said "Hi, I used to be David Johnson".

I have remembered that story all of my life.  The weight of its meaning & sadness affected me.   I mourned for a man I never knew and his former self left behind.

Having lived 41 years on this earth... I've seen my share of fads and hairstyles come and go.  I've lived on both coasts.  I've been around the block a few times.  I've lived a pretty big life.  And had some pretty big hair.

I was the daughter of a sailor and moved around a lot.  I spent the whole of my 20s as a singleton... with a pretty good job and an enviable social life.   I was a theater junkie, spending years of my life on stage, behind the scenes, directing... doing anything and everything just to be near a theater.   I did a radio show for years... a morning drive talk show.  It was funny, political, racy.  I interviewed Presidential candidates.  I drank beer with the Mayor.  I hosted many a cocktail party.  I was a staple at charity events.  I emceed beauty pageants, I sang for pay, I lived a life holding a microphone and making people laugh.

I didn't meet my now husband until I was in my 30s and didn't get married until I was 33.  From there, I was on sort of  a fast track.  I had my first baby at 34, my second at 35.   We moved to another town where I didn't know anyone, bought a big house and an SUV.   When my first born son was 2 1/2, he was diagnosed with autism.  I found myself  knocking around this big house, with a small baby daughter, a totally out of control autistic toddler, in a town of strangers.  I had a husband that worked long hours and traveled a lot. Frankly the next few years are sort of a blur.

One day, going through a box, I found a picture of myself.  It had only been take 4 years prior.  I was standing there... with a big smile on my face, holding a martini, eyes sparkling.  I looked at that person and thought... "Who is that?"

It was me.  It was who I used to be.

Hi.  I used to be Stacia.  And I am trying to get back to her.