Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Touching the Past.

I got an email from a friend the other day wondering why she still kept her wedding day underwear in her underwear drawer. Supposedly they are sexy little white bikinis that no longer comfortably fit her happily married body. And yet, she can't bring herself to throw them away. "Why?" she wondered. "It's just underwear."

But of course, we all know, it's not just underwear. It's a reminder of time gone by.

I don't like to live in the past. But I don't believe in running from it either. Making peace with the totality of my life has been hard for me. Sometimes when I look at old pictures, I get an overwhelming sense of sadness because no matter how hard I try - I can't get those moments back. I look at pictures of my childhood, the hideous velvety floral couches and harvest gold appliances of my 70s youth. I look at my tiny face, my mom-cut bangs and groovy clothes. Mostly I look at the little family that was the whole of my life. My mom, my dad, my brother. There were 4 of us and this was my world. We ate and traveled as a foursome. I never dreamed it would be any other way. But soon, there was no more little family. My brother and I grew up and left home and now we have our own little families. Mom and dad live alone.

When we gather now, it's three little families coming together. I see that foursome gathered on the grass for a Poloroid taken at a family reunion in 1978 and I am overcome with grief that I can't get that moment back. And truthfully, I can't even remember that day anymore but for the picture in my hand.








I feel the same way when I look at pictures from my teenage years. I grew up in the 80s. I WAS the 80s. I blew out Sixteen Candles, sat around St. Elmo's Fire and danced to Spandau Ballet at my prom. I walked around in a fog of hairspray and attitude. I look at old pictures and read my old yearbook... and again it takes over. That feeling of sadness... that I can't go back. I can't touch it. Honestly, I don't even want to be 16 again. But I want to remember what it was like to be so young, so enthusiastic and so naive again. I want to revisit, just for a moment,that girl with no bitterness, no fear and no stretch marks. I just want to take a quick glimpse through those eyes again.

Teen angst.



I recently found out that my husband has kept every email I have ever sent to him. In the early days of our courtship, we worked opposite hours of the day and sometimes didn't have time to talk. So, we would email letters back and forth to each other. I started reading a few of the emails the other day... and honestly I was transported back in time. These were from before we'd ever said "I love you", ever had a fight, a mortgage payment, a child, a diagnosis. This was the beginning. When everything is wonderful and perfect and so, so exciting. Reading these emails, reading my own words from the past, I was carried back in time and felt like I was experiencing the excitement, the mystery, the electric charge of new love all over again. What a gift these emails were to me. I needed that jolt.

In reality, we need pieces from our past to keep us grounded in the present. I don't have my wedding underwear in my drawer, I don't even remember what underwear I wore. But I do have a newborn onesie in there.

A few years ago, I found it folded in with my undies and tucked in the back of my drawer. I imagine it has been placed there accidentally in the sleep deprived state I was in when my babies were, well, babies. It's white and teeny tiny with 3 little snaps in the crotch. It smells like Dreft. And even though my "baby" is 5, I couldn't bear to take that onesie out of my drawer and get rid of it. Instead I smelled it, re-folded it and placed it back.

Now we can't walk around surrounding ourselves with piles of onesies, and lacy underwear and Spandau Ballet tapes... but a little something in a drawer never hurt anyone. Lately however, I have begun to treasure a new relic from my past. People. I realized the other day that I have friends in my life that have known me and loved me for more than 25 years. I NEED those connections in my life. You can't walk around acting like a Big Shot when there are people in your life that were there the first time you got drunk drinking Blue Nun wine and saw you throw up on your boyfriend's docksiders. Am I right?

Every now and again, I still take that onesie out - have my moment - and put it back. Does that make me crazy? Perhaps. But I'm ok with it.

8 comments:

  1. We are all a sum of our memories. It is nice to see and feel the memories that made us.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That is my brand of crazy, and I enjoy it. Glad to be there with you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. In the words of Eddie Money " I wanna go back and do it all over but I can't go back, I know" ...

    ReplyDelete
  4. There are days when I'd like to go back and re-live some of the days and moments from my past. To be young again for a little bit and not be bogged down by being "an adult" as well Stacia. But that's what makes great memories! I read your blogs and posts and am always taken back to a conversation we had one day while you were working the box office at The Worshop. You made mention that when I came back from NYC I was very carefree and fun, but after a few weeks I started to "butch up"! That sticking true to who I was is the most important thing! I will never forget that evening and you made me realize that" being me" around everyone is more important than what other people thought! We were in the" theatre" after all!!!! Miss you, Jason R

    ReplyDelete
  5. If I encouraged you or anyone else to "be themselves" in real life or via this blog... I am honored and very proud. <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yesterday I found myself going through old things that I have held on to. I cried a little, I laughed a little, and for just a moment all my worries of today were gone. Just for a moment though because then the following years went through my mind and all the pain that came with those years was relived. I long for the days with no worries, but I wouldn't trade going through the past again to feel the hurt. I know there will be more pain, but there are also many things to experience and one day when I'm old I will reflect to my current days as I have today reflected on my past days. It doesn't make any of us crazy, just human.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you. ~ Marie

    ReplyDelete
  8. Boy do you know how to make me lumpy!! Ive had these feelings myself. A little bitter sweet for me. :) Love You; Sheila.

    ReplyDelete